I was one of the lucky ones. During my high school years I was allowed to focus on my school work, instead of being forced to participate in extra curricular activities, or an after school job.
Granted, I spent the vast majority of my time engrossed in TeenOpenDiary, the Yahoo! chat rooms, and Role Playing.
The high school I went to was not exactly academically charged, and so I sailed through my classes without a care in the world, managing, in 2004, to graduate second in my class.
I moved from there on to University, the hum drum of classes I did not actually require for my BFA in Theatre Acting, dragged at me. Again, this was a time in my life when I should have found something else to take up my spare time, something more productive than watching Anime, still Role Playing, and now desperately trying to hold together a long distance relationship with my emotionally abusive boyfriend.
As the anxiety disorder I had been holding back all through high school rail roared through my life my grades fell, my nights turned sleepless, and my thoughts turned dark.
I did not go back to University the next year, nor have I been back since.
Instead I threw myself into work, holding down 4 part time, and casual jobs; gas jockey, server, substitute educational assistant, and substitute child care worker.
Eventually I was offered full time at the child care centre, and quit my other jobs. Now this job is the one I, unfortunately, still judge all other jobs against. It was perfect.
I got along famously with the director, and I loved working with the kids. I was allowed free reign as the supervisor, and my confidence soared.
However, this is when "Honeymoon Sickness" started to settle into my bones.
It began with distance classes, working all day to come home to assignments on child development, and disciplinary techniques.
After two years I quit to go to school fulltime. To simply "get it over with", instead of continuing with the sleepless nights.
Of course things in my personal life did not go smoothly - which I will probably talk about at some point, but to give you an idea of how bad it was, my anxiety disorder had now progressed to projectile vomiting.
I finished my first year of my Early Childhood course, and moved out of the home I shared with two roommates to find my own place, while working full time.
But then... Honeymoon Sickness.
It always seems to set in shortly after the first year I have been at a job. Whether I unconsciously seek out reasons to leave, imagine reasons to leave, or actually end up with reasons to leave... I always find something.
Perhaps it is kin to my, if you'll pardon the ethnic reference, "Gypsy Feet", a condition many people in my maternal family have, where the idea of staying in one place for longer than a few years makes us restless, uneasy, and grouchy.
But alas, even jobs with fantastic pay have not been able to hold me. In 12 months, 16 months, 20 months... I feel it. It starts at my base, deep in my spine, and works it's way up, finally fizzing, and popping like a bubble at the base of my skull. And I find a reason to leave.
It might be relationships with coworkers, or the boss. The reasons may be real, or they may be contrived. But there are always reasons.
I even tried going outside of child care, thinking that perhaps I was just burnt out, that looking after the children of other people since I was 18 was simply too long... That my mind and body just could not take it anymore.
But even retail, especially retail, could not hold me. The boredom, the drunks, the nasty customers, and the asshole boss.
Maybe it's a good thing my current job is only a one year term. The perfect time. To come into work, to give my love and attention to the children. And then, after a year, walk away. Give them back to their original teacher, and move on.
Maybe I'm meant to be a breeze. Refreshing and gentle, I blow away the dirt and dust, and then I am gone.
Maybe I am not meant to hold the same job for 30 years.
Maybe I am change.
Or, I may just be indecisive. Unable to make a commitment.
Maybe I've had too many disappointments in my life, and simply never want the Honeymoon phase of it to end.
For now, however, I will throw my tiny breeze into the work that must be done. To do otherwise would be unfair, one "maybe", or another.